Only read this if you a) Love Devon Sawa b) Want to see a humiliating photo of me or c) would appreciate both of the above.
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Erin breaks down frame by frame my (and most likely your) clumsy turn to womanhood a la Devon Sawa in CASPER. Several years later BD Wong’s animated character in MULAN would also give me quite a rush, which I’m sure confused my poor parents. (poor emotionally, not economically, b/c ew!)
I was in 7th grade. The THONG SONG was ruling the charts and requested at every dance. My first dance I stood in horror as all the other girls hoisted their thong straps onto their thumbs and shook around. I clenched my bikini briefs tight with my butt-cheeks and pretended I wasn’t jealous. But I was SO jealous.
My sister was a freshman who never missed an opportunity to tell me I was dressed like a lesbian, so she was more than happy to help me slut up my 7th grade self. We went to Wet Seal and bought my first thong. It was a silver g-string made of rayon, the cheapest and itchiest material around. It had two white feathers on either corner of where the front triangle panel in met the stripper g-straps. AND THOSE FEATHERS WERE ADORNED WITH RHINESTONES. I loved it.
I almost gave myself a diaper rash at the next dance digging into my light-wash flare jeans and holding those straps up as high as they would go, desperately trying to fit in with the whores in my grade who were already giving hand jobs.
Cut to the next day, laundry day! My dad walks out of the laundry room with a silver g-string dangling from his giant index finger. “Do we have a stripper in the house?”
He thought it was my older sisters, which was an educated guess, but she glared at me to signal that she would NOT go down for this, she had too many of her own battles. I was more ashamed that my classy and mature piece of underwear was being compared to what a sad, high school dropout stripper would wear, than anything else.
My dad’s non-existent patience ran out. “Whose the fuck is this?” Completely red-faced, I raised my hand meekly.
My mom snorted laughter into her wine glass laughing, my sister didn’t see what the big deal was and my dad just slowly retreated backwards into the laundry room, maintaining unnecessary, therefore creepy, eye-contact.
When I went to pick up my folded laundry from the laundry room a few hours later, my thong was tri-folded, by my father, along with all my other underwear in a neat pile with my socks and t-shirts. I took that as a tacit approval to buy more thongs and BOY DID I. My generation is horrifying.
I love watching the red carpet pre-shows for the Emmys, Oscars, and Grammys. I also place too much value on a salon or doctors office based on whether or not they have current tabloids to look at while you wait. What I love about both is all the female celebrities dresses, however my favorite part is to actively hate on them. It’s pretty douchey, but I don’t think I’m alone.
Why do we love to say the funniest and sometimes meanest thing we can think of about someone’s hairdo or dress fabric? One answer could be from the school of ”They’re celebrities, they asked for this life!” or “They are the top 1% of beauty in America, they can handle it!” However, that seems totally bullshit and the comments are a reflection on the person making them, not the one they are about.
Jennifer Lawrence will never read that I thought she looked like she was going to a Quinceanera, but two of my friends “liked” my comment so I was on top of the world. She’s younger than me and has an Oscar, yet I am smugly satisfied that I let my small public circle on social media know I didn’t like her dress and they validated me. I also left the k off of the word think when I was so hastily typing my quip. Karma’s a bitch.
Am I going to stop? No! Jennifer Lawrence DID look like she was going to a Quinceanera, and the thought of her and her alabaster skin towering over people at one was funny to me.
Not that Jennifer Lawrence is offering a rebuttal, but I do feel like I can dish it out and take it back. It’s so juvenile and ridiculous to take notice of someone’s outfit and tell them they look like a fancy prostitute or one of the sisters in THE FIGHTER. It’s funny. And it’s how my friends and I interact and tease each other. It’s even happened in a few I work.
I’m in comedy, I look for the joke in everything, and so it’s sometimes going to be about other people I have no connection with, and sometimes it won’t be funny, but as long as it doesn’t go to far, I think it still has a valid place. Because I’m also not a clean comic, or one who doesn’t make jokes at anyone’s expense.
One of my favorite sites, THE ONION, made what I thought was a really great joke last night while live tweeting the Oscars:
@theonion: Everyone seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c—- right? #oscars2013
THE ONION received a lot of backlash, took it down and apologized on their FB page, saying they were going to “discipline those individuals responsible”. I was surprised to see such a forcefully written note, but I guess I see both sides. Kids should be left alone, I hated when shows made fun of Chelsea Clinton during her unavoidable awkward years in the White House.
However, that is different from THE ONION’s tweet because it falls somewhere in the “it’s funny because it’s true” category, so it’s making fun of a child’s appearance for the sake of making fun of them, there are no layers. If anyone has seen any interview with Quvenzhane, it’s easy to tell she is extremely sweet, it’s not like THE ONION called a notorious partying minor a C—- and then tried to play it off as a joke.
I also don’t believe any topics should be off limits, and when one is considered taboo that’s usually the first thing I want to try to make a joke about, because it feels even more important or fulfilling to write a good joke about a terrible thing.
Now if THE ONION had written last years awful Kenneth Cole tweet, it would have been a total non-issue because it would have been in name of comedy, instead of attempting to turn a tragedy into a financial gain:
@KennethCole: Millions are in uproar in #Cairo. Rumor is they heard our new spring collection is now available online…
I’m not saying comedy is something you can hide behind but intent of the joke is almost as important as how it lands. Pre-meditated murder carries a way harsher punishment than involuntary manslaughter because although the outcome is the same, the intent was different. Man, did this just take a dark turn.
I usually think people who have double standards for themselves vs other people are idiots for not seeing it, but comedy and intent might be my double standard exception. So I will continue to make fun of and critique gorgeous women in gorgeous gowns from the confines of my couch in the name of comedy, in hopes it makes some other sweat pants wearing, home alone watching, non-celeb laugh, and I’m sure Jennifer Lawrence is too busy and/or secure with herself to mind.
An older man I don’t know went through my face book profile photos, found this gem from almost 6 years ago, and tried to tag himself as my vagina.
I don’t even know where to start. Is this the new “cat calling out of the side of a truck”? I don’t understand what this guy is gaining from this.
Is he bored? Did he think I’d be flattered? He can’t be flirting because he didn’t even send a note. Tagging yourself as my vag isn’t reaching out first, it’s not even a poke. (Why do those even still exist?)
Also, I’m pretty lowbrow, most of my profile pictures are me pretending to show my crotch in one way or another. This picture isn’t even close to one of the best ones, its years old, there are two other people in it, I don’t think he put much thought into this.
Does he think it’s funny? Was it an accident? I hope it was an accident.
Actually I don’t. I want fans. And male acceptance. And a vagina worth tagging.
I hope you faceless females know that your expectations of Valentines day, whatever they are, will not be met for a variety of reasons.
1. You are wearing way too much pink to be making “I’m single and loving it!” jokes.
2. Your boyfriend bought you carnations because he’s cheap or clueless as to what good flowers are, and therefore dumb for not saying to the florist, “I know nothing about this, what would you recommend?
3. A more popular girl from your high school will also get engaged today and steal your thunder. Her or the school weirdo, whose ring will be much bigger than yours and send you into a downward spiral.
But enough about you, here’s a video I wrote for GetCliqd.com about what to do when you think your boyfriend gave you an STD!
Happy Valentines Day Bitches!
While sitting in my psychiatrist’ waiting room, I had time to review my sexual and physical inadequacies in an old Cosmo magazine. It was either that or Photographer’s Digest, and boy did I choose correctly.
There were thought provoking articles such as “His Most-Wanted Mattress Moves Revealed” (Step 1 – shut up. Step 2 – get naked. Step 3 – get on mattress) and “His Ten Sex Cravings” (see: previous).
Here are a few highlights from “45 Ways to Get Even Closer To Him”:
1. Order in food from his favorite sports bar to watch a big game together.
2. Stack his poker-chip box with chocolate ones to enjoy on game night.
3. The next time your phone rings while you and your guy are hanging out, check the caller ID, and if it’s not urgent, ignore it to show him he’s your top priority.
4. When that tricky pickle jar won’t open, just hand it to him. It’s an unspoken “you’re macho” compliment.
But here’s hoping I learn how in the next back issue!
In between writing, drinking, and napping, I’ve been doing a lot of research. I have found the most amazing shit, like a prison rodeo, and some not-so awesome stuff, like people selling canned beans on Craiglist for less than five dollars. This article about with happiness as you age falls somewhere in the middle. It made me hopeful, and then angry, which is the emotion I arrive at for most things.
http://news.uchicago.edu/article/2008/04/16/age-comes-happiness-university-chicago-study-shows
This University of Chicago study finds the happiest Americans are the oldest, which is hard for me to believe because I cling to youth like it’s my last bottle of wine.
“With age comes happiness, and that life gets better in one’s perception as one ages.”- University of Chicago sociologist and study author Yang Yang. (Yes, that is her full name, not a nickname given to her from one of her unintentionally racist, octogenarian test subjects.)
As much as I want to believe the best years of my life are still to come, I see myself naked in the mirror every day and curse myself for not taking a full life series of shots the day I turned 18, when my ass was as hard as it will ever be and my tits have never been higher.
Yang Yang Choo Choo Train states that “life gets better in one’s perception” which means in their own mind. But how can I trust an 81-year old man with early onset Alzheimer’s in a bed on wheels’ ability to gauge his own level of happiness when the highlight of his day is (fingers crossed) waking up again?
But hey, if the woman named after one of the last endangered pandas says it’s true, I guess us beautiful, bronzed twenty-somethings with zero responsibility or cellulite better listen up. These aren’t the best years of our lives, and we should look ahead with anticipation. Old people are busy being happier than you or I, slipping in the tub and getting their license revoked in non-drinking related events.
So maybe I should keep ethereal hope that you get happier as you age, but I just don’t believe it. I guess I should check back when Yang Squared is at the age she can prove her theory. Because I for one would be shocked if she was truly happy storing her teeth in a cup at night and using frequent flyer miles to attend funerals instead of weddings and bachelorette parties.
I don’t want to troll this person and call or text her inquiring about these 9 cans of assorted beans for $4, but if I worked in law enforcement I certainly would.
This person took the time to upload a photo of and type out each type of beans and the expiration date of each one. The asking price is $4, but who knows how low they would be willing to go. They even offer the use of PayPal which takes a fee, and to ship or hold them for you. Cash is only preferred not mandatory.
This makes no sense - these cans of beans have to be full of meth right? Canned goods must be the new method of drug transportation? And $4 means 4k? I might just be missing BREAKING BAD too much, and am filling the void with Craiglist, but I don’t think so. I wish I knew who in my high school dropped out of college to become a cop, because then I could give him a case to hunt in-between eating DONUTS AMIRITE?
1. Make green tea.
2. Google photos of face shapes and take an hour to decide if you are oblong or oval.
3. Weigh yourself.
4. Reheat green tea.
5. Does all your tupperwear have lids? They all should really have lids. Go check. Line them up. Match em up. Then get back to work!
6. Okay, get back to work AFTER you weather proofed your camel colored boots! When is the last time you did that, a year ago? OMG and one pair you can’t remember weatherproofing, so maybe you never did?!
7. Weatherproof ALL YOUR BOOTS.
8. Google photos of bangs appropriate for your face shape.
9. Weigh yourself naked. Preferably before and after going to the bathroom for the sake of science.
10. Your green tea is cold again. Reheat AGAIN. Only get slightly upset because you’re so proud of yourself for drinking tea instead of coffee.
11. Re-google photos of face shapes because you don’t like the bang choices given to your face shape. Change your decision of your face shape to whatever it needs to be to get Bridget Bardot bangs.
12. Screw this cold tea. Tell yourself you will only have a glass of wine IF there is an open bottle from last night.
13. There is no open bottle from last night, you finished it all. Tell yourself you will only have one glass. In fact, get out your graduated measuring cup and measure out 5 ounces like a freaking Mother Theresa of doing what she said she’s going to do.
14. Make a to-do list for tomorrow including things like, “research veganism, round up groupons and daily deal coupons, and get an Amazon Prime account.”
15. Very quickly pour another 5 oz graduated measuring cup glass of wine before any of your roommates get home. Change into jeans and a bra so you look like you left the house that day. Slightly re-park your car if necessary.
This poster of cats sitting on a piano is the bane of my existence.
First of all, the cats look terrified, even the one that looks like Hitler. Second, it’s 2012, I feel like this color copy parading as a painting belongs in a foreclosed home from the early 80s.
But this is only thing of my boyfriend’s on the walls in our place so I feel compelled to leave it up. Well, only thing of his if you don’t count the spiders he’s killed and left there from Part 2: Decor
I graduated college several years ago, and thought my days of having posters on my walls were behind me. Side note, I cringe to admit I had posters of DIRTY DANCING and THE BREAKFAST CLUB (the latter of which I still have yet to see in its entirety) on my dorm walls freshman year. I had no identity!
It’s also hung way too high, is very cheaply framed, and is in our living room, where there’s a molding of my ass on the couch, so I see this god damn thing EVERY DAY.
I hope every cat was drowned after they posed for this.
I even think his taste has grown and changed with time and living together. (This might be wishful thinking) However, I know he will never admit that he also hates this disgusting, stupid poster.
Oh, the entire cast of MTV’s TEEN MOM 2, how I admire you and your crazy, middle-America hairstyles. You are all BATSHIT CRAZY and I love it.
In tonight’s episode LEAH will talk about taking out her IUD at 19 to try and have more kids with her current fiancé. As a refresher, Leah already has twins with her ex-HUSBAND, one of which is developmentally disabled. The twin, not the husband. Although….
In anticipation of this harlequin romance novel episode, I’d like to make a plea to the producers of this show to keep maturing along with its stars. These ladies have the “I’m pregnant and don’t believe in abortion, you get to be a daddy!” game down to a T. In fact, they take that game to an entirely new level. It’s time to move on!
How about addressing all the STDs these women have now collected throughout these past few seasons filled with boyfriends, fiancés, ex-husbands, and even more pregnancies? I’m looking at you, Janelle!
SMILE AND SAY “SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR KIDS!”
The STD episodes can double-dip as PSAs and love letters to ONE LIFE TO LIVE, which this show closely resembles.
How would these barley legal men handle the situation of having a pregnant girlfriend AND having it burn every time he pees? And if he accuses or blames her, aw, that’s sweet; cue the sappy music - that means he’s being monogamous!
What if these cartoonlike baby mommas swear up and down it’s not from them – does he believe them? Or even better, propose? It’s an excellent way to see how much trust is in the relationship. If MTV taught me anything, it’s that nothing saves a relationship more than an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. But STD’s, I’m not so sure, and I’d love to find out.
TEEN MOM 2, you’re my best of the worst TV I watch. It’s time to let your bleach-blonde pill-poppers stretch out their wings and fly. No, not to get their GED, that’s ridiculous! But I’d like some more drama in between shots of their kids playing alone by themselves, not being engaged in any way. Here’s hoping!
I’m still recovering from 12 days spent mostly inside (aka trapped) with my family over Christmas with nothing to sustain us except red wine, holiday cheer, and mounting tension. I went to more dinner parties this holiday season than ever before, and I’m exhausted. It’s hard to drink throughout the day while also remembering what your cousin does for a living, and which one doesn’t have a job and doesn’t like being asked about it. It’s also exhausting being a good guest, which would explain why most people just don’t do it.
1. IF YOU DIDN’T COOK IT, YOU HAVE TO CLEAN IT
I grew up with the notion that the one who makes the meal shouldn’t have to do the clean- up. But apparently, this was not the norm. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be a guest who chats with others and doesn’t lift one finger before or during the meal. Maybe you’re talking to relatives you haven’t seen in a while, or it’s a tradition for you to have a game of touch football while the “women make the meal.”
But for realsies, when the meal is over get off your ass, grab some plates, and start clearing the table. This isn’t a prison mess hall; no one is going to announce the end of the meal, there will just come a time where forks are down and plates are mostly empty. If the host joins you in the kitchen or takes over dish duty, that’s not a free pass for you either. There are plenty of things to do post-meal other than the dishes.
2. JUST LIKE AN ORGASM, A FAKE ONE DOESN’T COUNT
Asking “can I help you with anything?” from 10 feet away while sitting on your ass is not a true offer to help. It’s like a woman slowly reaching for her wallet on a first date. She doesn’t mean it and would be shocked if he said, “Yes, let’s go Dutch”. Avoid the fake question game all together by just getting up and pitching in, it won’t take very long.
Hey, granddaughter’s boyfriend meeting the extended family for the first time, of course you don’t know where anything goes, but you have two eyes, is the trash full? Hint: the trash is always a little full. Ignorance doesn’t get you out of a traffic ticket and it shouldn’t get you out of clean up duty.
3. NOT SO FAST LAZY BONES, WE’RE ONLY HALFWAY DONE
Don’t you dare slap some saran wrap on that huge-ass dish of potatoes that is only 1/3 full and place it in the fridge. Find some Tupperware or a smaller dish and transfer that shit.
Dishwasher full? Tough luck, run that sucker and continue washing the large things that wouldn’t go in the dishwasher anyway, like knives, pots, pans and wine glasses. Leave the scraped off, rinsed off, dirty plates neatly by the sink for when the first load is done.
The same goes for emptying the dishwasher; you may not know where the potato masher goes, but you can figure out where plates go by opening a few cabinets. Put everything away you can and make a neat pile of things you’re unsure of, because putting things away in some random spot creates more work for your host.
4. EARN YOUR KEEP
If you are not related to the family by blood, a ring, or the equivalent (adoption certificate, post-commitment ceremony, or baby daddy) and they are taking a family photo, GET UP AND TAKE THE PICTURE FOR THEM. Why should Uncle Greg have to take it and not be in it? You’re the girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever; you haven’t earned a spot in that photo yet!
Also, bring a freaking hostess gift! Showing up empty handed saying, “I asked if I could bring anything and they said no!” makes you a shitty person. I keep a drawer of stuff in my apartment like candles - they are freaking easy in a pinch. Or at least wine which is sold everywhere at all hours. Re-gifting is fine - I reuse wine bags and more all the time. Put a sticky note on it of who gave it to you when/where to make sure you don’t re-gift in the same circle of friends or family.
Lastly, there are three groups of people who are exempt from earning their keep. The guest of honor, those over 50, or anyone who has kids old enough who can do your family name proud and help on your behalf. For example, my parents would never do dishes at a large dinner I was at, nor should they, but you know they did when they were my age. Hierarchy people. Respect it. If you’re in your 20s, congrats on your youthful skin, but you have at least 10 years of washing dishes at parties in your future.
BOTTOM LINE – just be someone who should be invited again. Bring a bottle of wine, eat great food, and do some dishes for all of 30 minutes. Most hosts are not I and are therefore way too nice to say anything like “get up and help…please!” to a guest, but come on, you did practically nothing. You know the host had to menu plan, clean their house, shop for groceries, prep, and cook, what did you do to deserve such a nicely prepared meal while others run around? The dishes? Good answer!
A few months ago I posted a photo of a floor lamp that can’t stand up on it’s own (aka broken) that my boyfriend taped to the wall with bright orange electrical tape - http://carlyrhodes.tumblr.com/image/32006362756
Here are a few photos of spiders and other bugs he has killed on the wall and/or ceiling and just LEFT THERE.
I call it “DUDE DECOR”. This is my reality.
The expectations of giving great gifts you don’t have the time, can’t afford or don’t care enough to think up makes the holidays incredibly stressful. This, coupled with the excessive amount of time you have to spend with relatives you rarely spend time with at all and the excited face you’re expected to make when you open yet another scarf and gloves set from your grandma makes the politics of gift giving and receiving even more confusing.
Side note – why do all grandmothers give presents that are only sold at one shitty store in her home town so you can never exchange or return anything? Do they all hate happiness?
Here’s my take on how to give good gifts and who should receive what.
FRIENDS/ACQUAINTANCES/COLLEAGUES/DISTANT RELATIVES
I LOVE when people don’t give me gifts because then I mentally note that I can take them out of my ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ column and put them in the ‘no’ column. If you don’t give me a gift, I won’t scramble trying to get you something or feel awful that I don’t have anything for you. This is a non-spoken agreement for everyone I know within my age bracket, even close friends, and it works wonderfully.
For people who I’m not sure where we stand in the gift-giving gauntlet or for mentor/thank you gifts, I try to give something that’s not so extravagant they would feel bad for not getting me anything, but still be personal and a quality gift. They can get a Starbucks card from their Aunt.
BOYFRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS
I like to give and get gifts that we both can enjoy, usually in the form of a great dinner out, concert tickets, or a trip we would’ve taken anyway. It gives us that extra push to actually plan it now instead of in two years. Experiences are memories; a pashmina is not.
PARENTS/BOSSES
The only people I want/expect/depend/desire/pray for gifts from are my parents and my boss, because they’re the ones with the real money. Cash isn’t cold; it’s untaxed and lovely. If you have someone who works directly for you, give them something! And no, homemade cookies are not a gift or tip to the person who cleans your toilet for a living, especially if they had to scrub all the pans you used to make said gift.
TRY TO BE A LITTLE ORIGINAL. PLEASE. JUST A BIT?
There’s no shame in giving homemade gifts but you do have to plan a little harder. Make it food/alcohol related, or be FABULOUS at whatever you’re making. No one wants your homemade potpourri no matter how strapped for cash you are. In that case, re-gift something.
If you expect good gifts, you need to give a good gift in return. Keep a running list of gift ideas for close friends and family members. If you are out shopping with them in February and see them try on four white watches and not buy one, don’t be lazy; write it down!
Whatever you do, please don’t give your best friend the bubble bib necklace that should have it’s own category on Pinterest. It’s the most mass-produced piece of jewelry since the Tiffany’s 2001 Charm Bracelet.
IT’S EVERYWHERE, MY GRANDMA MIGHT EVEN HAVE ONE
You might has well have gotten your best friend BRIDESMAIDS on DVD. Oh no, did you? Return it. Haven’t you heard of Netflix?
As long as you’re paying for it and expecting them to keep it, put a little thought into it. When in doubt, ask or give cash, especially to someone under 30. No one ever turned their nose at a twenty. Or something with a gift receipt.
Happy shopping! Can’t wait to see what you got me!
I have a few, but my favorite misunderstood sex term is from the 1995 cult-classic NOW AND THEN. Young Rosie O’Donnell AKA Christina Ricci is telling Young Rita Wilson AKA Ashleigh Aston Moore what a hard on is. As an eight-year-old, I thought I was pretty adult for knowing that penises grew and how sex happened. But I was pretty off on the details.
Chrissy: It’s not very big.
Roberta: It’s only big when a guy has a hard on.
Teeny: And when that happens, they get this big.
Chrissy: What’s a hard on?
Samantha: Doesn’t your mother tell you anything?
Chrissy: I’m beginning to think she’s been misinformed.
I thought Roberta was saying “HEART ON”, which I took to mean that when a guy is in love, his dick would grow. I knew dicks got bigger in order to have sex, but I didn’t know how or why. Sex was explained to me as being for people who love each other and want to make a baby, so my logic of a guy needing to have his “heart on” to make his dick grow for sex made total sense to me. This is SO NOT THE CASE.
Side note: check out the poster. The ratio of overalls to non-overalls is 1:3. Even in overall heyday one pair in a group was too many, and this group has THREE.
Also, big props to Christina Ricci for not letting the casting decisions of NOW AND THEN affect her, so she could go on and make amazing films like PUMPKIN (if you haven’t seen it yet, I’ll wait here while you do). If I had been cast as a young Rosie O’Donnell when the other closest option was Demi Moore, I would have developed a severe complex or at least a small eating disorder.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE HERE EITHER.
